We are heading to a silence retreat. On one hand I am sad not to be able to create for the entire 10 days, but I feel it will do me good, help vacuum the head. Finally, I am curious of what kind of new is going to come and fill the empty space.
The biggest obstacle to start this blog and write a post, all posts in fact, was my perfectionism! I love my perfectionism, people praise me for the quality of my work and I like to think of myself as high performer, as an achiever. When I set a goal I go for it and nothing would stop me, even the 3rd WW, I’d be still proving it to everybody how devoted I am to the ongoing project. My perfectionisms kicks twice each time – when I am to decide whether I am SURE to succeed, so if it’s worth starting or not, and then in the devotion until the end, even if the circumstances change significantly. Most ideas fall in the category “DO NOT EVEN START”, of course. How full of ego can someone be to know it all beforehand? I think it’s the attribute of the most winning attorneys – the secret lies in the cases they carefully select. Just like them, who do not defend people, but win cases, I don’t make my ideas happen but deliver projects.
With this blog I was brave and convincing myself, not well enough obviously, that this time it’s about art, the silly act of writing, who’d read it anyway, so I can lock my perfectionism in the drawer. Ha, it came out with the first possible occasion when I was reaching out for other tools like discipline, persistence and non-judgement. It literally stopped me from posting anything for a month. The blog was alive but like a plant without water it didn’t grow and stayed small and hidden in the shadows of bigger tasks in life like cooking diner and doing the dishes.
I thought that before starting to REALLY WRITE AGAIN I’d have to follow a webinar on successful blogging from 3 different sources and in different languages to verify which is the BEST and will guarantee trillions of Likes. I then thought of following a course on mastering WordPress, then had an idea to change the layout of the site, then the name of the domain and hesitated for days whether to go free or choose from a payable package…then there was an article of a girl, a student, making 6 thousand dollars in a month from copywriting and freelancing, something I’d wish to do, so I got busy following her steps wanting to be her. ALL WRONG!
And then my perfectionism spoke again. It said: either you decide to finally do it all my way, or I am out of here and we drop the entire project and you will feel like a total quitter. I do not care – I responded – I let you go. And suddenly, I was free. I don’t care what happens now, all I know is that I just want to write this blog in any form that it unfolds, which is the magic that perfectionism was never able to deliver to me!