I know that when I can’t sleep I should turn to writing because it means there’s a crowd of thoughts in my mind queuing to the nearest exit of expression. Some of these thoughts are so much in a hurry that they buy a VIP pass to escape first or else they’ll make a huge riot inside my head.
Many of them are negative and I am ashamed to let them out, I don’t want others to see. Thoughts of turning from a careless party girl into a childless woman worried if she can still make it, thoughts of rejection when a HE doesn’t call, fear of parents passing away, decisions to be made concerning work and where to live. All the paralyzing thoughts. And I realize they need to be heard, taken care of. Maybe when they feel they are taken seriously they’ll fade or become less intense?
In busy times they are dormant and come to live the moment I close my eyes to doze of. But they are no fools. They are also waiting patiently when I meditate or go for nordic walking by the sea. They are always there. Unwanted company. I wish they left me alone for a while. I often retreat to silence in order to be just by myself (meaning who if not my thoughts)? If I wasn’t thinking my thoughts what would fill the void inside of me and what would I focus on? How would I make all the next steps without thinking them first? It’s getting complicated and I think I am giving too much thought to thoughts….Aaaaaa, crazy circle.
I feel attacked by them.
They eat my time.
They kill my mood.
They steer me.
They hurt me.
Who’s invented them anyway? Take away his Nobel!
They’re ugly, nasty, dirty.
But they are.
And they are a part of me, like a hand or hair.
They are the riches of the behind the scenes where only few are allowed to enter.
They are messengers of change.
They are flag posts of hidden desires.
They are a sign of being alive…